Everybody knows and loves Starbucks. But what you might not know about about The ‘Bucks is that they almost never lock their restrooms. They are open to anyone at any time. You can pop in for a quick cry before going to meet a potential client at a cheaper coffee shop. Are you meeting your new lead at that Starbucks? That works too! Get a quick five-minute sob in before you have to convince your friend’s co-worker that he should list his condo with you even though you have not landed a new listing in 15 months.
- The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
Oooh la la! This place isn’t cheap as far as coffee shops go — you must be so successful to drink here! LOL no, not quite. You’re just here to cry. The downside of a bougier place like this is that people will notice if you’re not buying anything and are only there to gently weep in their restroom. Here’s a ProTip: order a fancy coffee, but only take one sip of it. That way, you can have that meeting with your new lead there so they are impressed with the kind of money you must have to drink at a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, and then after they leave (without signing with you, no doubt), return your drink to the barista and demand a refund. Boom — free coffee! Before you head home, be sure to stop by the restroom for one more quick session of uninterrupted blubbering.
- Caribou Coffee
Whoa! Look how hip you are! Caribou Coffee shops are all about cool, Instagram-worthy aesthetics, even down to the restrooms, where you will bawl until you are ready to meet with your former high school girlfriend and her new husband about potentially representing them as buyers. Lament all the times you should have been better to her and let out anguished howls mourning the fact that you let her get away. But you need new clients. Swallow your pride, dry your tear-soaked face, and grab yourself a cup of Caribou coffee, mister! (Just kidding. The coffee is quite pricey. You cannot afford it. You will order a water and tell your ex that you’re “trying to quit, haha.”
- Peet’s Coffee
Peet’s is a great spot to sample a variety of complex roasts, grab a delicious pastry, and to lock yourself in their restroom to let out long, wailing sobs before heading next door to the gas station and pouring yourself a cup of drip coffee. ProTip: you can take as many Splendas and tiny french vanilla creamer cups as you want. Fit as many as you can in your pockets and you’ve got yourself lunch, my friend! Then go meet your new lead at a public park.
- Waffle House
This is a great place to take an important lead for those longer meetings. For example, if you’re trying to land the listing for your uncle’s vacation property, this is no time to be cheap by merely taking him out for coffee. You’ll need the timespan of a full sit-down meal to close this deal. Arrive about 10-15 minutes early and let the waitress seat you. At that point, excuse yourself to use the restroom, where you’ll spend that extra time openly weeping in front of the mirror, barely able to recognize your own reflection, as the image staring back at you is obscured by unrelenting tears. What’s that noise you hear? It’s certainly not the sound of clients calling your phone. No. It’s the guttural, tortured screams you’re emitting — a sound so foreign, you have difficulty believing it’s coming from your own body. You let out one last sustained wail as you think about how desperately you need this listing. When you have finally cried yourself out and feel the existential emptiness creeping into the pit of your stomach, be sure to return to your booth and ask for an order of plain toast! You’ve earned it, champ!