Houston, TX— Despite all evidence that they’ve been written out of their college friends’ lives, Elias and Cindy Delgado remain on the hunt for at least two additional guest bedrooms. “We’re really looking forward to hosting all of Cindy’s New York friends,” the 34-year-old Elias explained, ignoring the fact that at least two of Cindy’s friends only left a Facebook comment on her birthday and haven’t watched any of her recent Instagram stories. “And we’ve always talked about making everyone pay hundreds of dollars to fly down here for the disappointing ritual of ‘Friendsgiving,’ so that extra space will really come in handy.”
Despite being shown a series of two- and three-bedroom houses that would easily accommodate their friendless lifestyle, both Elias and Cindy remain convinced that their passive-aggressive postcards will overcome their friends’ reasonable hatred of holiday travel. “Even if our New York friends don’t come down soon,” said 28-year-old Cindy, “Elias’s parents have expressed real interest in visiting for Christmas, and we’re confident this is the year that they will come to us.” When reached for comment, Elias’s parents said that they just can’t see themselves leaving Charlie, their four-year-old Pomeranian, home alone for a long holiday weekend, but Houston certainly sounds nice.